The Reason for The Season

The start of the year, January, is an interesting month. As usual, there will be some growth-related morsels on offer in case we still have room after all that Holiday food, not to mention finding room after all those years of so-called education. Today we have a history lesson disguised as a fairy story.

The Greatest Story Never Told
Once up on a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away there was a royal prince. And from a related tribe, a seriously hot royal princess babe. Even though the prince was considerably older, the priests agreed that their marriage would unite the tribes and produce a lasting royal dynasty. Priests do stuff like that. Responsible priests are also guardians of genetic diversity, not forgetting scriptures, political expediency and job security.

At this time the country was ruled harshly by an imperialist empire, and unity was essential if these people were ever to overthrow the invaders and the puppet monarch that had replaced their true King. They dreamed that one day a great warrior would lead them to victory and the throne would be restored. I dream of waking up and finding a Ferrari in the driveway.

And so, the prince and princess were married – but only sort-of married. Actually, they lived together. In this land they did things a little differently, especially if you happened to be of the royal persusaion. For a start, the future King had to be born in the holy month of September following a sweaty but equally holy conjugation at Christmas. Also, the firstborn had better be a boy. To make sure this was the case, for a trial period they were only half hooked-up-married, a kind of engaged or espoused condition to see if they could produce a male heir in September, which was a way big important thing back then before The Spice Girls.

A Child is Born
Fortunately, the prince and princess knocked one out, it was a boy, and the politicians rejoiced. Unfortunately, Mr Male Heir arrived in the not very holy month of March and some of the more snotty the priests were not amused. Legends say the new prince was born prematurely, at seven months, as if another two months would be enough. The "being born in the wrong month" issue immediately divided the priesthood, some accepting the young prince, which they desperately needed to unite their people and help overthrow the oppressive invaders.  Despite the embattled and oppressive times the more conservative priests won the day against the politicians, rejecting the child for not being holy enough.

Like, they were in a position to be picky.

Another Child is Born
Seven years later, the Royal couple did it again. This time, thankfully it was another boy and, more importantly, he arrived in the holy month of September.  The priests were overjoyed, arrangements were made and the future King was hailed amid great celebration, for this was the start of a new era. Big time. From now on things would be different, the tribes united, the colonists ripe for revolution to throw of the yoke of imperialist tyranny, etc. Even their calendar was reset in his honor to the year number one. (This was a long time ago, before zeros were invented.)

The years passed, and the Princes grew. The tribes, long since settled from their earlier nomadic ways, had abandoned the ancient tradition of ultimogeniture – of leaving everything to the last son. But these were strange times and now ultimogeniture was looking a safe bet as the younger prince was groomed for Royal stardom by the priests.  Sadly, things were not going well on the political landscape. Bands of guerrillas regularly attacked the empire's troops, who responded with brutal reprisals in an increasing cycle of violence.

From a Jack to a King
If ever a new King were needed to unite the people against their common enemy, it was now. The time was ripe, and the politicians looked to the younger prince for leadership. Problem was, the priests had done a good job, for the younger prince was devoid of political ambition and instead got religion to the extent that he sought to join the priesthood in a textbook case of Religious Fruitcake TLE (Temporal Lobe Epilepsy).

There was no alternative – the situation was getting desperate, it would have to be the oldest prince. The time was ripe, and attention shifted to the firstborn. More plans were made.  There would be a coordinated series of attacks to support an uprising, at which point the new true King of the tribe would be introduced to the people.

In addition to the new King, there would be a new religious leader, just like the old times when they were a proud and independent nation. Back then, the joint leadership of King and chief priest had surely had gods on their side as they led the country to military victory and territorial gains. For once, the priests and the politicians agreed – this was the right time and the eldest prince was destined to be King.

Before the daring plan could be carried out, the future head priest, a member of the royal family, a cousin to the two princes and a New Thought hippy if ever there was one, got himself arrested and executed. This left a vacancy in the priesthood not to mention a corresponding gaping hole in the plot.  Vain attempts were made to persuade the younger prince that a career move to head priest was in everybody's interest.  Apparently self-preservation was high on his agenda and he declined, for the position was then offered as a last resort to the firstborn prince.Yes, he was to become both.

In a ground-breaking move, the eldest prince agreed to become the King as well as the head priest.  Never before had the dual roles of King and high priest been undertaken by one person, and, rather more importantly, never before had the real King come to office while the country was a tiny oppressed colony in a huge empire already ruled by a badass puppet King. So, naturally, when proposing his candidacy they kind of played down the King part and bigged up the priest side.

Of course, things didn't quite work out as planned. The eldest prince was anointed both King and High Priest and presented to the populace in the exact manner forecast by the ancient prophets. Hungry for their own royalty to replace the usurper, word spread and he was accepted by many as the new King. The problem was, rather like our own JFK, when he got to office he refused to play ball with the powers behind the throne. The politically naive King had also, it seems, an obstinate streak of independent thought and had managed to piss off both the conservative priesthood and (not surprisingly) the puppet King in no time flat.

This was too much for the puppet colonial authorities, under pressure from both directions. As their part of an increasing crackdown by the empire, the newly-claimed King was arrested, tortured, hurriedly tried and sentenced to be executed. The empire's method of execution was particularly long lasting and involved tying the victim to a cross for a week, only not the kind of cross you're thinking of, this cross was like the Greek Tau, shaped like the letter T.

The execution was orchestrated by the puppet King in league with the snotty priests, but this time it seems they had overstepped their authority. Behind their backs the shifting alliances of priests, politicians and hangers-on persuaded the empire to repreive the wannabe King who was taken down after less than a day.

Pity, for he would have made a good King. By all accounts, he was wise and compassionate. As royalty, the prince was given the best education possible. He was fluent in four languages and an excellent scholar, with a profound understanding of both tribal law and the ins and outs of their holy scripture.

If only things had worked out a little differently the King might have helped his people throw off the yoke of the ugly empire and led them to a new age of spiritual enlightenment. He was certainly more spiritual than the politicians and more tolerant and in touch with reality than the fundamentalist priesthood.

Instead, the King and his works were banished to history, if not to obscurity. As the years passed, legends were grafted onto his accomplishments and, instead of fading away, his supporters increased in number. In time, the myth grew until it completely outgrew the King. Even the King's name was forgotten, replaced by a foreign name, and his story acquired curious snippets from other times and other lands. His return was widely forecast, even though he would never recognize himself buried under all that mythology.

Being royalty, the King's birthday was celebrated not only on the actual day he was born (in this case, the day in their wacky calendar that corresponds to our 19th of March), but also the first day of the month, which was a holy day. They had holy days like I have holey T-shirts and for pretty much the same reason: moral decrepitude. That, and flaky arithmetic. They just couldn't get the months thing right. It doesn't matter if you're working in lunar or solar months, there are no positive integers left over when you divide up 365.25 days.

In addition, the would-be King had a Royal Birthday, rather like the Queen of England today who celebrates both her own birthday and her royal birthday. The new King's royal birthday was the first day of the season, which day corresponds to January 6th in our calendar.

So far did the King's fame travel that eventually his story was celebrated throughout the empire, even in the capital. And, many years later, of all people, it was the Evil Emperor, ruler of the entire empire and supreme nastiness, that one day moved the King's birthday in an attempt to bring peace to the empire. Or so it is said. Rather, the mean Emperor Dude moved the birthday in a staggeringly brazen act of political appeasement and self-promotion. For the King's new birthday coincided with the Sun's birthday, and the Emperor who proclaimed himself the reborn King was none other than the Sun God himself. The Emperor added some of his own religious doctrine and tweaked a few bits here and there to accomodate the new religion with his own, brand new silly empire religion. Naughty Emperor.

The transformation was almost complete. In less than three hundred years our upstart Priest-King had been promoted from a noble warrior King and wise (albeit rebellious) priest into a God. Respect.

The King's original royal birthday (the 6th of January) is still celebrated in many countries. The nasty Emperor called a hurriedly-assembled puppet committee of obsequious yes-men and, inter alia, bullied them into moving the official birthday to the 25th of December, that day when sunlight gets perceptibly longer and the Sun is reborn. He called it Natalie Invicta. We call it Christmas.

I don’t have enough imagination to make up a story like this, and in any case no one would believe me.

Roll Credits

Cast of Characters:	Real Names:	In English:
Prince and Princess	Yusef and Miriam	Joseph and Mary
Youngest Prince	Yacov Tsedek	James the Just
Future Priest	Yohannan	John the Baptist
Eldest Prince	Yehoshuah	Jesus the Christ
Naughty Emperor	Constantine The Grate	Head of Sol Invicta

Anyway, that's my two cents.

You hang on to your hats, this is going to be a great year.

Ken